Game awards - random games

Game Awards 2014

Just noticed that some Game Awards nominees has been announced, so I’ve checked the list and decided I’ll see if I can pick my winners.

Best Shooter

  • Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare – Sledgehammer/Activision
  • Destiny – Bungie/Activision
  • Far Cry 4 – Ubisoft Montreal/Ubisoft
  • Titanfall – Respawn/EA
  • Wolfenstein: The New Order – MachineGames/Bethesda

Result: none, as all of them are pretty much shit. But there will a lot of hate against any game that will win the award because FC, TF and CoD fans lack any sort of critical judgement about their games.

Best Action/Adventure

  • Alien: Isolation – Creative Assembly/Sega
  • Assassin’s Creed Unity – Ubisoft
  • Bayonetta 2 – Platinum Games/Nintendo
  • Middle-earth: Shadow of Mordor – Monolith/Warner Bros.
  • Sunset Overdrive – Insomniac/Microsoft

Result: Assassin’s Creed: Unity of course. While there are glitches and bugs in the game, they’ll be fixed and we’ll end up with fun only (because it’s not AC3 with that boring bitching idiotic crybaby as a main character), wrapped up in really awesome graphics. Shadow of Mordor had a nice ideas but the game is just a sad attempt to squeeze the last few dollars from the Middle-earth before everyone forgets it ever existed.

Best Role Playing Game

  • Bravely Default – Square Enix
  • Dark Souls II – From Software/Bandai Namco
  • Divinity: Original Sin – Larian Studios
  • Dragon Age: Inquisition – Bioware/EA
  • South Park: The Stick of Truth – Obsidian/Ubisoft

Result: This one is hard. Divinity is and oldschool RPG that offers shitload of fun to old farts like myself. But I guess in my eyes, Dragon Age with it’s huge world, keep and Morigan’s boobies is the winner.

Best Fighting Game

  • Killer Instinct: Season Two – Iron Galaxy Studios/Microsoft
  • Persona 4 Arena Ultimax – Arc System Works/Atlus
  • Super Smash Bros. 3DS – Nintendo
  • Super Smash Bros. Wii U – Nintendo
  • Ultimate Street Fighter IV – Capcom

Result: Who cares?

Best Family Game

  • Disney Infinity 2.0 – Avalanche Software/Disney Interactive Studios
  • Fantasia: Music Evolved – Harmonix/Disney Interactive Studios
  • Mario Kart 8 – Nintendo
  • Skylanders: Trap Team – Toys for Bob/Activision
  • – Tomodachi Life – Nintendo

Result: Really? I’ve checked all of them and can’t seriously imagine I’d play any of those with my kid or girlfriend. Who the hell is playing games like these? Aaaah, yeah, I forgot the US…

Best Sports/Racing Game

  • FIFA 15 – EA Canada/EA Sports
  • Forza Horizon 2 – Playground Games/Turn 10 Studios/Microsoft
  • Mario Kart 8 – Nintendo
  • NBA 2K15 – Visual Concepts/2K Sports
  • Trials Fusion – RedLynx/Ubisoft

Result: Not going to comment the Mario Kart here… But sport games are shit (get your fucking fat ass out there you lazy dicks), so I’d hit Forza Horizon 2 as I remember playing Forza game some time ago and it was fun (for a racing game).

Best Online Experience

  • Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare – Sledgehammer Games/Activision
  • Dark Souls II – From Software/Bandai Namco
  • Destiny – Bungie/Activision
  • Hearthstone: Heroes of Warcraft – Blizzard
  • Titanfall – Respawn/EA

Result: It’s all shit. I already told you that! If you want to fight a war, get yourself a fucking Battlefield. If you want to have some cartoon fun, get yourself a fucking Battlefield (Heroes). And if you want to swing a sword, there’s this thing called swordsmanship, which is a way more fun than playing Bugged Souls 2.

Best Mobile/Handheld

  • Bravely Default – Square Enix
  • Monument Valley – Ustwo
  • Hearthstone: Heroes of Warcraft – Blizzard
  • Super Smash Bros. for 3DS – Nintendo
  • Threes – Asher Vollmer, illustrator Greg Wohlwend, and composer Jimmy Hinson

Result: Nope!

Best Remaster

  • Grand Theft Auto V – Rockstar Games
  • Halo: The Master Chief Collection – 343 Industries/Microsoft
  • Pokemon Omega Ruby and Alpha Sapphire – Game Freak/Nintendo
  • The Last of Us – Naughty Dog/Sony
  • Tomb Raider: Definitive Edition Crystal Dynamics/Square Enix

Result: I choose you, GTA5. Really! I’m not really a big fan of this series (as the last one I really had fun playing was the first GTA – over LAN) but this one actually managed to make me interested in playing it.

Best Narrative

  • South Park: The Stick of Truth – Obsidian/Ubisoft
  • The Walking Dead Season 2 – Telltale Games
  • The Wolf Among Us – Telltale Games
  • Valiant Hearts – Ubisoft
  • Wolfenstein: The New Order – Machine Games/Bethesda

Result: Possibly South Park, because it’s fun. Sometimes.

Best Score/Soundtrack

  • Alien: Isolation – Christian Henson, Joe Henson, and Alexis Smith, The Creative Assembly/Sega
  • Child of Light – Coeur de pirate, Ubisoft Montreal
  • Destiny – Marty O’Donnell, Bungie/Activision
  • Sunset Overdrive – Boris Salchow, Insomniac Games/Microsoft
  • Transistor – Darren Korb, Supergiant Games

Result: Here I can’t vote. Music is the first thing I’m turning off in games, because in 98% of cases it’s just annoying.

Best Independent Game

  • Broken Age Part 1 – Double Fine
  • Monument Valley – Ustwo
  • Shovel Knight – Cellar Door
  • Transistor – Supergiant Games
  • The Vanishing of Ethan Carter – The Astronauts

Result: Never heard of any of those, so I give my vote to Blackhole. I know it’s not finished and probably won’t make it out this year. But I don’t care. It’s my web, I can vote for whoever I wish.

Games for Change

  • Mountain – David O’Reilly/Double Fine Presents
  • Never Alone – Upper One Games
  • The Last of Us: Left Behind – Naughty Dog/Sony
  • This War of Mine – 11bit Studios
  • Valiant Hearts: The Great War – Ubisoft

Result: What?

eSports Player of the Year – (To be voted on by fans)

  • Martin ‘Rekkles’ Larsson – League of Legends
  • Xu “Fy” Linsen – Dota 2
  • James “Firebat” Kostesich – Hearthstone
  • Christopher “GeT_RiGhT” Alesund – Counter-Strike: GO
  • Matt “NaDeSHoT” Haag – Call of Duty

Result: I vote for them all. The all play shit games and pretend to have fun. That deserves a cheerup. Here, have a cookie guys. Just one. You don’t want to get fat, do you?

eSports Team of the Year – (To be voted on by fans)

  • Samsung White – League of Legends
  • Evil Geniuses – Dota 2
  • Edward Gaming – League of Legends
  • Newbee – Dota 2
  • Ninjas in Pajamas – Counter-Strike: GO

Result: Hmm, I might need to buy more cookies…

Trending Gamer – (To be voted on by fans)

  • Evan “Vanoss” Fong
  • Jeff Gerstmann
  • PewDiePie
  • StampyLongHead
  • TotalBiscuit

Result: Yeah, definitely more cookies!

Best Fan Creation – (To be voted on by fans)

  • BEST Zelda Rap EVER!! By Egoraptor
  • Luigi Death Stare by CZBwoi and Rizupicorr
  • Mine the Diamond (Minecraft Song) by Tobuscus
  • Minecraft – TITAN City by Colonial Puppet
  • Twitch Plays Pokemon by Anonymous

Result: Don’t you have something better to do? Like having sex, getting drunk or doing drugs FFS? Minecraft tho…

Developer of the Year

  • Blizzard
  • Monolith
  • Nintendo
  • Telltale Games
  • Ubisoft Montreal

Result: I guess they should all revieve a fish slap dance and especially Ubisoft‘s QA should have their asses fucked by a cactus.

Best Performance

  • Adam Harrington as Bigby Wolf, The Wolf Among Us – Telltale Games
  • Kevin Spacey as Jonathan Irons, Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare – Sledgehammer Games/Activision
  • Melissa Hutchison as Clementine, The Walking Dead: Season Two – Telltale Games
  • Trey Parker as Various Voices, South Park: The Stick of Truth – Obsidian/Ubisoft
  • Troy Baker as Talion, Middle-earth: Shadow of Mordor – Monolith/Warner Bros.

Result: So it was supposed to be Kevin Spacey? Ok then.

Most Anticipated Game – (To be voted on by fans)

  • Batman: Arkham Knight – Rocksteady/Warner Bros.
  • Bloodborne – FROM Software/Sony
  • Evolve – Turtle Rock/2K Games
  • The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt – CD Projekt
  • Uncharted 4: A Thief’s End – Naughty Dog/Sony

Result: Batman it is. After the disappointment from both previous Witcher games, I’ve decided not to give a fuck about this game, read the books and pretend games never happened. Just like I do with that TV series.

Game of the Year

  • Bayonetta 2 – Platinum Games/Nintendo
  • Dark Souls 2 – FROM Software/Bandai Namco
  • Dragon Age: Inquisition – BioWare/EA
  • Hearthstone: Heroes of Warcraft – Blizzard
  • Middle-earth: Shadow of Mordor – Monolith/Warner Bros.

Result: Dragon Age. Bioware found their long lost balls and finally made a game like they used to. There’s only a small drawback into this. How does it come there’s NO FUCKING STORAGE CHEST IN THE WHOLE FUCKING GAME? But we’re all looking forward to an update (nudge nudge).

Your opinion may differ and since this is my website, I’m just too polite to ask you to shove it up your ass and be gone with it.